Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize