Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize