it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Even my vagina gasped.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
