Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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