Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize