I think I died a long time ago.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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