Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
