Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
