my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
