All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
