You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
