Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
