woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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