dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I faked an abortion last night.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
