i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
