if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
