I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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