I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
