yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
