Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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