He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
