She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
