who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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