Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
