listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
