I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
