i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They took my balls.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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