I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
