There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
