I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize