At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
