I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
