can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
