I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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