he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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