roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
