I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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