i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
