I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
