If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
