So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
