clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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