Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
