The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
