ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
