its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
