I cannot find my penis.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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