Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
