he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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