I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
