I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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