He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
