I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
