it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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