Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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