i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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