I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
