I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
