I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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