I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
